desire

When I heard about you,

My libido crashed.

I didn't want to touch my husband,

But he so desperately wanted

To feel close to me.

So I yielded, pensive and quiet,

Reminding myself that each time

Was for us and not for you.

Dwelling on the truth that

This closeness between husband and wife

Felt just as much like bonding

As it felt like a weapon.

I choked back that sadness

With each time a loving hand crawled

Along my stomach

And a smile grew on my husband's face.

Early on, you tanked my drive.

Or so I thought.

Really, fear is what made my skin wet and cold

And made me resist his advances.

It was fear that this act created something

I wasn't ready for.

And that this act will put more of you

Inside me.

And I was barely ready for just you.

It took prayer and supplication

To be ready to acknowledge you

And it took time for me to acknowledge myself.

Mother.

Mom.

Ma.

Bringer of life through means I couldn't see.

Now intimacy feels right and beautiful

And kind to my heart again.

So I'll enjoy it right now,

Before my breasts ache without the thrill of desire

And my back arches, but to relieve tight, stiff muscles.